How Subtle Asian Traits has strengthened my connection with Chinese culture

Growing up, I inadvertently tried to shed my Asian identity. I wasn't ashamed of being a first-generation Chinese immigrant, but I also didn't want to be labeled "the Asian girl."

It was hard enough being a new country and not knowing how to fit in, but it would have been worse if I was placed by my peers into a box that would have defined my personality, hobbies and interests.

So, to appear more like a Canadian (whatever that means), I dressed exclusively in jeans and graphic t-shirts/hoodies, only brought sandwiches to school and only liked what the popular kids at my elementary school liked. Also, it wasn't intentional, but due to this "shedding" of my Chinese identity, I befriended a lot of Caucasian kids.

Since I immigrated very young (I was six years old), my Mom made sure I kept learning Mandarin. She was extremely concerned that if she left me to my own devices, I would have been fully monolingual in a year or two.

Now, as an adult, I know she was only doing what she thought was best for me, which I appreciate wholeheartedly. I'm so proud to be fully bilingual and be able to communicate in my native language.

But when I was 10-years-old? I resented her for ruining my weekends by homeschooling me Mandarin. I didn't see the point in learning it. My thought process was, "I'm in an English speaking country! I don't need to be bilingual!"

In high school, I think my connection with Chinese culture got stronger (because there was a big population of Chinese people) but I also became more "whitewashed."

Fifteen year old me was proud to be "whitewashed." I jokingly said, "haha I'm so whitewashed" to all my friends because I loved (and still love) pop punk music, A&W was my favourite food and I only wanted to date tall skinny Caucasion boys.

I stayed pretty stagnant up until a couple of years ago.

One of my Asian friends introduced me to Subtle Asian Traits, a Facebook group founded by a group of Asian university students from Australia. I suddenly found myself in the company of hundreds of thousands of other first-generation and second-generation Asian immigrants.

But the difference between them and me was that they openly embraced their Asian culture and were proud to be Asian.

Over the next few days, I spent countless hours scrolling through Subtle Asian Traits, laughing at the memes about strict Asian parents, broken Mandarin, Caucasian people's inability to pronounce our names and of course, bubble tea.

People asked for advice on whether to follow their dreams of going to art school/into the film industry/into journalism or to pursue a more conventional career. Others talked about their experiences growing up as a queer Asian immigrant.

It sounds cliché, but I felt like I had finally found "my people." These were young Asian people who understood that their Asian identity and the identity they adopted/developed after immigrating weren't mutually exclusive.

I spent all these years trying to shed my Chinese identity so I could fit in better with people I went to school with (which I don't regret), but I wish I also spent time learning more about Chinese food, music and art.

Currently, I am starting to educate myself in all of the above, but it sucks that I've lost so much valuable time.

I wish I found "my people" sooner.